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Tim thought quickly.
“Well, yes! It was easy. So easy,” the Knight turned to their compatriots and winked, “Right, everyone?”
The huddle, which included Matilda, Eric and Gregory Schreck nodded in unison, rather unconvincingly. Tim’s eyes darted back to the three-headed troll.
“Well, then give it ‘ere and you can be on yer merry way,” the head named Barry grumbled.
“We were just…” Tim began to pace before the troll, stalling for time. “We laughed and laughed at how simple this riddle is, so we simply had to march on over here to rub it in your face… umm, I mean faces… when, uhh…”
Eric rotated his hands in apprehension as he waited for Tim to say something.
Tim paused their pacing, turned to the Troll Patrol and continued, “… we were spooky-shocked by a warlock. Memory spell, you see? We’ve all forgotten!” here Tim once again turned and winked, making everyone complicit in the lie. “Right, everyone?”
Once again the team agreed in dubious harmony.
“So you see we should be allowed through on a technicality,” Tim said this time giving a thumbs up behind their back.
Chapter 18: Sneaky, Creaky and Oh So Freaky
If you want to know more about something mentioned in the story (e.g. a creature, place or person) go to the Lore of the Land:
If you want information about our hero’s characteristics and inventory at the start of this chapter go here and scroll to the relevant chapter:
“If the riddle was so easy why can’t you just solve it again?” Asked Helen, reasonably.
“You’ve got six ears and you’re still not listening!” Tim exploded in frustration.
”Oi!” Barry burst out, clearly annoyed.
“Now, now Barry you know that that is a common misunderstanding,” Theodore said, attempting to smooth over whatever bizarre faux-pas had been committed.
“Our heads aren’t sharing the same consciousness… it doesn’t work like that,” Helen stated, matter-of-factly with an eye-roll.
“Well, which one of your consciousnesses come up with these asinine riddles then?" Matilda asked rolling her eyes and crossing her arms before pointing her finger accusatorily at each head.
“That’s a bit low,” Theodore said with a single tear dangling from his eye, clearly evidence of the sticky, tricky, poxy and foxy wordplay being his.
“Yeah Matilda, don’t hurt their feelings,” Eric said, in his best peace-keeping voice.
Matilda huffed not wanting to let on to too much.
“Don’t worry everyone… I’ve got an idea.” She whispered.
“Look, what are our options here?” Matilda continued. “It’s not our fault that some toothless warlock jumped out and had at us.”
“Here, here!” Eric said in what started as a confident exclamation but faded to a whimper at the end of the first word.
“I see your point…” Theodore said, still hurt at the insinuation his riddle was terrible.
“You know, this is an ableist plot. We have magic-induced memory deficiencies,” she held her hands up to her hand and swirled them around to indicate confusion, “Surely we have a case… even in this crazy realm?”
“Yeah!” Tim pontificated, pointing to the cave’s roof with delight “You’ll be hearing from our lawyer!”
They all slowly turned to face Gregory, who was quiet for some time. Socrates eventually let out a loud squeak.
“What’s that little critter filibusterin’ about now?” Schreck responded.
“He says that it’s time you subpoena these bigots so we get our day in court!” Matilda proclaimed in a fiery manner.
“So, that’s right? They can’t discriminate against us on account of the memory spell?” Eric said.
“That is correct,” Gregory stated matter-of-factly, “they can’t force our hand on the riddle without facing serious repercussions. It’s all evident in the Recollection Regulations.”
“See…” Tim said, goading the Troll Patrol as the knight started strolling casually towards them, “So we’ll just be moseyin’ down this cave. Don’t worry about saying goodbye, we’ll send a postcard”.
“Ahem,” a loud guttural throat-clearing echoed around the cavern, when the knight looked up, they saw it was Barry “Yes but article 12, section 85 of the Riddle Legislation clearly states that anyone, corporeal or noncorporeal, who has not paid a riddle-ridden toll may not proceed without passing an equal or more-complex challenge as decided by the Patrolling Body, corporeal or noncorporeal, whose jurisdiction the toll is handed under.”
The troll head somehow managed to quote exactly from the law in what seemed to be an impossibly executive tone.
“He’s always leaving the candle on at all hours to read those blasted law books,” Helen said, “never thought it would come in handy.”
Once again the whole troupe turned to face Schreck. Socrates squeaked.
“Yes, yes he’s correct,” Schreck admitted.
“So if you don’t answer our riddle, we’ll see you in court!”
“Fine then!” Tim called out loudly in exasperation “I don’t care anymore, we’ll just pay the stupid toll.”
“Just so you know, there will be a Failure to Riddle surcharge on that toll.” Theodore, the most agreeable of the heads, said “It’ll bring the total up to 150 gold pieces.”
“Each!” Barry added.
“Let’s face it, you’ve wasted our time,” Helen added.
“But that’s daylight robbery!” Gregory Schreck said in an appeal to the Troll Patrol’s erstwhile better nature. “Corporeal and noncorporeal-ly."
“200 each then. Come on, we haven’t got all day.” Helen said as the two arms on either side of the long body stretched out palms open.
“200 each? Why didn’t you say so?” Tim said, “Why were we even bothering with that stupid riddle, I’ll pay it now.”
The whole party looked at them, stunned.
“Yes, I’ll just reach in and grab my wallet now.” The knight reached straight down into their faceplate and pulled out an empty palm.
“Oh, how embarrassing! I seem to have misplaced my wallet.” Tim said, patting around at places where people normally have pockets before snapping their fingers. “That’s right, I left it in your office up ahead Gregory.”
“You did?” the Knight glared at Schreck who quickly changed his tune. “You did, of course, how could we be so careless, I’d blame the memory spell but that happened after.”
“Well that settles it, we’ll go ahead and grab my wallet and come back and pay you, I’ll even throw in a coupla’ enchanted steak knives for your trouble.” Once again the knight started to walk towards them as if the score had been settled.
“Hold it,” Barry said, darting his eyes suspiciously. “Why does it take so many of you to grab a wallet?”
“Clearly because it is so filled with money!” Matilda fibbed faster than a greased-up cheetah.
“Come on you three, you can trust us. When have I ever been anything but courteous, honest and respectable?” Schreck asked and it was true, the lawyer had never done anything to betray their trust before and they were convinced that he wasn’t now.
“Fine, Theodore turn off the cave defense mechanism so they don’t get digested.” Helen finally relented as Theodore untied some sort of magical rope.
“But you better be back here before tomorrow morning!” Barry insisted.
“Oh yeah, not a problem, wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Tim shouted out behind them as they walked past them waving their hand in an off-hand manner and whispering “200 gold pieces each, what do they take us for?”
As the troupe marched into the cave Matilda giggled with delight. “Those chumps couldn’t stop a medusa with a mirror.” She exclaimed.
Socrates squeaked, making his presence known on Tim’s shoulder.
“I don’t think I take your meaning, Matilda.” he said, before becoming a little flustered, “In fact, I quite resent that remark. It’s well-known that mirrors turning medusas into stone is a harmful and problematic stereotype. Why I once dealt with a case-”
Here Gregory was cut off, the narrow cave didn’t seem like it could hide any more entities but then from one of the recessed creases wobbled out a tiny troll in a jester hat, stumbling about with a walking stick.
He staggered in front of them as if he might fall apart entirely, before suddenly springing to life with jubilation and a theatrical flourish. Then he started to sing directly at Matilda.
“Oh, fair maiden and your whole brave team,
if you wish to move on past this rocky seam,
you’ve passed the start and have reached the middle…”
The party looked on in horror as they knew what the next line would be but no one could intervene fast enough.
“but you won’t reach the end lest ye answer me riddle!”
The troll took a bow. The group all looked at each other exasperated. Tim just shrugged and took a step over the jester. The rest just followed silently, while the loud protests of the troll echoed in the chamber.
“Do you have to come through here often?” Eric asked, looking up at the tall half-orc, half-ogre.
“Mmm-hmm,” Gregory replied with a slight nod of the head.
“Must get a bit annoying with all the rid-” Eric continued before being unceremoniously cut off.
“RIDDLES! GET YA RIDDLES! ALL ORIGINAL RIDDLES!” a curious-looking, old halfling woman in an incredibly dirty petticoat, around each of her bloated feet were shambolically tied bells which she kicked around as she yelled her slogans.
“RIDDLES GOING CHEAP! WE’VE GOT ‘MIRROR’, WE’VE GOT ‘NOTHING’, WE’VE GOT ‘YOURSELF'. ALL THE CLASSICS! ALL THE BEST!”
“Now see here, do you have a license to be riddl’in here, Bertha?” Gregory asked with one raised eyebrow. Bertha, as she was apparently called, went flush in a rushed blush, high-tailing in the other direction.
“WHAT RIDDLES, I AIN’T GOT NO RIDDLES AND I NEVER DID!” they could hear her voice as it disappeared into the catacombic caverns.
“You weren’t kidding,” Tim said looking at Eric as they walked “It’s like an epidemic of withered, quizzer-givers.”
Just then a flamboyant-looking Sphinx, dressed to the nines, leapt from the top of the cave’s roof.
“Rid…” But before he had the chance to finish his first glam-rock-inflected syllable, Socrates leapt from Tim’s shoulder and nipped the annoying hoople right on his sequined platform boots. He did, however, let out a yowl as the party continued down the incredibly long passage.
***
“… anyway the case got thrown out and you’re darn tootin’ that the defendant and plaintiff did the cave-drill quadrille until morning at that night’s hootenanny.” Gregory said, winding up another shaggy dog legal story before stopping dead in his tracks.
“Hey, whoa Nelly, stop there Eric…” Gregory said holding up his hand in a halting motion.
“What is it a trap? A trick? A… a… another troll?”
“No it’s just that we’re here” he pulled a switch which opened a sloped passageway, together they went sliding down at a rapid pace.
Eventually they came to the end of the tunnel as the slope hit a near 90 degree angle and they skidded out onto a rocky outcropping that overlooked an expansive cave. As Eric dusted off his bottom and Matilda checked in with Socrates (who’d become so painfully dizzy being thrown around inside Tim’s armour) Gregory took some steps forward and raised his hand like a tour guide at a museum.
“Here it is the capital of the catacombs ‘Capicombital’
The party looked at the cave amazed before them was a gigantic city sprawling through a huge open area of the cave. They’d finally arrived.
Ooooo cave city… don’t we treat you guys good over here on Misadventure Adventure.
This post we really want to sing out the praises of loyal reader Sath who has been reading for a long time and recently became a paid subscriber. This legend receives nothing for his money but definitely contributes to our enthusiasm for writing more regularly (we have people to let down!), so if you like Misadventure Adventure (and who doesn’t) sign up for a paid subscription and be more like Sath (our hero).
Remember, if you want to be a part of the tale: you can pitch new areas, creatures, characters, and items/spells in the existing threads and see them get added to the Lore of the Land encyclopaedia.
Stay tuned for the next chapter in a fortnight.
Nothing much to report here, just that we’re continuing to plonk along with the current votes that we’ve received anticipating an upcoming story arc that requires a different kind of interaction. For now sit back and relax and enjoy being out of the driver’s chair for a while.
Last week we asked people to vote on a couple of choices, first of all Tim’s eventual response from Kackel by way of Glorbachev will be influenced by these choices:
This is how you know we don’t cheat, because if we did that dating pool thing would’ve been a shoe-in.
Furthermore, this choice was fulfilled in this very chapter. Tick that one off:
This choice in general was majorly influenced by a childhood event where a couple of people threatened to beat up my friend and I literally did let us go to retrieve something and make us promise to come back so they could beat us up.
We didn’t go back.
The Glammy Sphinx that made a brief appearance this chapter was a character suggested by reader Alexa Tuttle. You too can suggest a critter here: https://misadventure.substack.com/p/create-a-creature/
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Chapter 18.