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Misery is proving herself to be a very useful companion indeed, thought Tim as they watched her tiny fingers conjure streams of golden magic, I’m very glad we uncorked her bottle.
The warm glow of the fairy’s magic poured into the opening of Tim’s helmet, causing the adopted huntscrabby to take shelter in the shoulder seam of Tim’s armour.
In a sugarplum intone, Misery sang “Devouris Eternetum!” punctuating the incantation with the wave of a tiny wand.
“Well, that’s a new one,” Lady Kackel reached her hand toward the golden glow. The stream of light ceased abruptly leaving Kackel’s hand grasping thin air. Kackel quickly regained her composure and cleared her throat.
“Feeling peckish?” Misery questioned Tim.
“Famished!” Tim exclaimed, the mouth plate of their helmet flapping open and closed uncontrollably toward the vast expanse of the spaghetti bowl.
“Wait, what’s going on?” Kackel questioned.
“I’m getting sweaty for spaghetti!” Tim pontificated, causing the huntscrabby to peek his beady little eyes out from his hiding place.
“That spell is our best bet to traverse the bowl,” Misery sprinkled golden shimmer from her wings as she fluttered excitedly, “for the next two hours Tim could eat every buffet in the land and still not be satiated.”
“So, he’s like a hungry, hungry hippo?” Kackel asked.
“Even hungrier,” Misery giggled.
Tim’s armour clanged as they leapt onto their hands and knees. They crawled ravenously toward the steaming bowl of endless pasta.
“Quick, our hungry steed is departing without us!” Misery squealed.
Kackel leapt upon Tim’s back in time for Tim to begin their gastronomic journey across the Great Spaghetti Bowl.
“What if we don’t make it in two hours?” Kackel cried out above the noise of Tim slurping in a long strand of spaghetti.
“We had better!” Misery said in a honeyed-peach screech, but her eyes darted from here to there as if she knew more than she was letting on.
Chapter 6: Unhinged Jaws, Unhinged Laws
If you want to know more about something mentioned in the story (e.g. a creature, place or person) go to the Lore of the Land:
If you want information about our hero’s characteristics and inventory at the start of this chapter go here and scroll to the relevant chapter:
Across the bowl, the giant Jabberwonky - an autocratic tyrant with confused and inconsistent political ideologies - swept through the remaining Spaghettians and began his advance toward the fresh, hot pasta.
While the Jabberwonky was distracted fighting Matilda - the sassy farmer - and her team, Eric - the local cowardly butcher - and his team had dug an enormous hole in the ground and thatched it over with twigs and leaves.
“I simply cannot wait to sample my offering,” the Jabberwonky rubbed his comically small, gnarled hands together. “I hope it’s as good as the tortellini of 1755!”
Eric and his team held their collective breaths as the Jabberwonky’s foot abruptly stopped mid-step, right above their freshly dug trap.
The Jabberwonky began sniffing, drawing in great breaths through his hairy nostrils. “Peeee-uwwww!” he exaggeratedly opined, waving one of his short arms in front of his nose, “what is that pungent scent?”
A Spaghettian receiving first aid began to laugh. From their mouth they spat blood and the shard of their tooth, as one by one the other Spaghettians in Matilda’s team joined in the laughter. Their crumpled bodies heaving with delight as the fishy smell of the corrupted pasta permeated all around.
“Only just noticing it now, you mouth breathing idiot?” laughed Matilda, still clinging heroically to the Jabberwonky’s tail.
“This is most certainly not what I had expected… no, no, no!” The Jabberwonky took a step back and away from the trap, causing Eric’s team to let out a collective sigh of disappointment, “I’ve never experienced such injustice, and from my own constituency no less!”
The tremendous monster leapt up, pointing a finger skyward as though having an epiphany, “but, of course, you know what needs to happen when a democratically elected leader no longer represents their constituency?”
“We… vote them out?” one terrified Spaghettian, who just happened to be nearest to the questioner replied.
“No, silly!” the beast said with a soft shake of his head, “you take full control! Redraw the boundaries of the electorate! Gerrymander! Here is the new electorate line!” he proclaimed drawing a thin line daintily with one of his long claws “…and, oh wow, looky-here!”
The Jabberwonky menacingly pointed his gerrymandering claw at a huddled group of Spaghettians. “You are all outside of my purview!” With this, the Jabberwonky opened his palm raised it high and, as if swatting a fly, brought it down hard upon the group. Spaghettians flew like skittles.
“My goodness there are electoral lines everywhere,” the Jabberwonky continued drawing lines in the dirt, getting ever closer to Eric’s team’s trap.
“H-here he comes!” Eric said to the ragged group of diggers standing inline with him “Are we ready?”
“Aye, Eric. We are!” The man to his left said.
“To your stations then!” Upon hearing this several of the Spaghettians climbed into the craning cockpits of their scoop machines. Eric stayed put as the thundering steps approached.
“I hope this works!” he gulped.
***
Atop the back of the terrible beast, Matilda found herself without a plan but surrounded by giant bookshelves. Each aisle was marked with a small sign indicating some semblance of categorisation, however much like the beast itself, the library upon his back was confused. The row of books Matilda found herself between contained titles as disparate as ‘Parfait Preparation: An Entertainer’s Guide’ and ‘Moss: Grass or Growth?’
“There’s no way to appeal to such a wonky-headed beast!” she said out loud to herself, “there must be something here to help me?”
As the beast animatedly called out to the Spaghettians below, a pile of books shifted aside on one shelf revealing a sign with a large arrow pointing alongside the word Librarian.
Without hesitation, Matilda hoisted herself up and moved in the direction the sign had pointed her.
***
“We’re almost there!” came Misery’s bluebell yell.
The Tim-saddled Kackel, Huntscrabby and Misery were rapidly approaching the kerfuffel.
“About time, I’m getting spaghetti sick!” a queasy looking Kackel rasped. “Hear that, Tim? You’ll be able to stop eating soon, regain some dignity.”
Tim continued slurping, appearing to prioritise their feast over their dignity.
“Shhh,” Misery shushed Kackel and confessed, “we’re making really good time and all, but it’s imperative Tim continue eating for the full duration of the spell.”
“… which you said was two hours?” Kackel pressed.
“Yes, a full two hours,” Misery giggled nervously, “while the spell is active, they must keep feasting or they’ll feel the full effect of their engorgement.”
“They’ve been eating for one and a half hours, and must have imbibed nearly a cubic tonne of spaghetti!” Kackel cried.
Kackel looked on at Tim with grave concern. Tim, with their mouth stuffed, let out a confused muffle.
“That’s right, Lady Kackel,” Misery sang, “they are sure to burst, unless they keep eating.”
Now at the rim, Tim threw their passengers off their back like a bucking horse.
“This makes no sense, we need Tim to fight the beast!”
“The spell is sending the food into another plane of existence, so long as they don’t stop,” explained Misery.
“Mmm mmm mmm,” said Tim, still chowing down.
“No, I can’t just leave you here!” said Kackel, eyes welling with tears.
“Mmm mmm,” replied Tim.
“You’re right, as usual,” nodded Kackel, “we have smaller meatballs to fry.”
“That’s right!” squealed Misery, “onward we go to get back the scroll from that slippery minced meat man, Meatball!”
“Mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm!” said Tim.
“Ok, Tim. Fine!,” Kackel rolled her eyes, though the tear rolling down her cheek betrayed her true concern that the only option was to leave Tim behind. “…for now.”
She leant down and said quietly to where the knight’s ear would be, “when you’ve finished dinner, you need to stop that Jabberwonky. Can you handle it?”
“Mmmm!” Tim replied in the affirmative.
The huntscrabby who had made his way to higher ground on Tim’s helmet squeaked and gestured to them to hurry.
“Ok, ok - we’re going!” Kackel said to the small insect.
Kackel turned to check on Tim, whose pasta embibing had already taken them upstream.
“YOU’VE ONLY GOT ABOUT 15 MINUTES LEFT!” Kackel called out. Tim waved demonstrating they heard.
“Okay, lets friggere that polpette!” Kackel said casting her eyes at the battle down below.
“Mi piace!” the fairy sang.
Eric was shaking in his apron, perched on the precipice of the giant hole. Each step of the Jabberwonky shook the digging apparatus, yet still Eric stood his ground.
“D-don’t c-c-come any c-closer, y-you wr-wretched thing!” Eric yelled, surprised by his own bravery. The Jabberwonky laughed frivolously, Eric unsure whether the beast had detected the trap.
“What is this? Well, well, well! What a tiny little thing you are. Just a draft piece of legislation, you need a few amendments to add meat to your bones!” the Jabberwonky called out jovially, the only one laughing at his joke, “but don’t you worry… not every bill gets enacted into law, some just get swallowed up into the void.”
The beast opened his mouth wide so Eric could see into the darkness of his throat. The Jabberwonky paced forward before stopping abruptly to crane down his neck. A putrid smile spread across his face.
“Something is afoot,” he cried out, “some underhanded, grassroots mudslinging! Despite my gerrymandering, I’ve lost the support of my constituency?
As the Jabberwonky pontificated with resplendent enthusiasm, Eric crinkled his nose thrice, giving the subtle signal to his team to enact their plan.
“Tsk, tsk, tsk!” Tsked the Jabberwonky, interrupted only by a pasta scoop swinging towards him. It missed. The Jabberwonky averted the assault with his tail.
“Tsk, tsk!” he continued, “I see we’ve found a swinging voter.”
The Jabberwonky again laughed at his own joke before adding, “I know how to appeal to you… pork barrelling!” With this the Jabberwonky knocked over the long cylindrical support beams beneath the scooping mechanism, sending them toppling away. The Jabberwonky celebrated his accomplishment with glee, right as the second scoop’s crane-like arm donked him straight in the back of the head.
He toppled forward into the hole. Dazed and debilitated, but surely not for long.
“Oh no!” Eric said “What about Matilda?”
***
Eric was right to worry.
Matilda had navigated the tall library aisles, coming across a small Librarian’s office, complete with brass dividing bars to separate staff from patron.
Matilda looked over the desk and into the office, spying nothing but darkness. Her eyes adjusted to make out an old bell covered in dust and cobwebs. She hesitated. She felt the scaly ground beneath her feet and heard the loud taunts from the beast. She pressed the bell.
“YesSssS,” a creaky old voice said from an unseen source, though it felt as if it came from right in front of where Matilda stood “How canNnnn I helpPPp yooou?”
From the darkness an old lady, with half-moon spectacles and hair white with a layer of dust, emerged. Not as if stepping forward but rather gliding.
Matilda gulped.
“PerrrhapppPs yooouu requirrre somethinnggggGg tooo reaadddDdd?” she questioned.
Matilda started to answer but was cut short by a thunderous cracking sound. She felt the lurching sensation. They - along with the Jabberwonky - were falling rapidly. Down, down, down.
What secrets could the mysterious librarian possess? Can the Spaghettians keep the Jabberwonky in his stupor? Is Tim ready to stop eating? Come join us soon for another chapter of *DRUM ROLL* Misadventure Adventure.
Thanks Tass for the incredibly appetising spell Devouris Eternetum.
Remember, the vast majority of things that happen in Misadventure Adventure are pitched by YOU, the reader! Suggest new areas, creatures, characters, and items/spells in the existing threads and see them get added to the Lore of the Land encyclopedia.
Voting closes on the 1st of June, 2022. We know that’s soon but we’re going to try and get the next chapter out as early as possible!
Yes, yes we know we missed last week! We did apologise. Much like the Spaghettians we had a political tyrant to get rid of ourselves at the Australian election and we were successful… hopefully our friend Tim can be too.
Like we said above, because of this we’re going to try and get the next chapter out next week BUT don’t hold us to that. We’re not magical, we’ll leave that to Kackel and Misery.
Need a reminder on what votes won last week, well then check last week’s chapter did you know after the votes close each chapter’s poll gets edited in with the results. Go back and see, you might just learn a thing or two… FUTURE SPOILERS!
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Chapter 6.